• 04 •

Hi! It's me again! Kumusta ka? I hope everything is going well for you.

May gusto rin akong i-share sa'yo, and let's start with this question:

Have you ever gotten to the point in your life where you want to get to know yourself more?

Me? Yes!! 💯

I wonder what other people's point of view is and why they always say—"Mabait 'yan si Shechiah."

Hindi ko alam kung paano nila nasasabi na mabait daw ako. Pero I couldn't see myself as kind as they think I am.

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And before tayo magpatuloy sa kwento, bigla ko lang naalala na you should really try Smart C with Yakult! Lemon flavor 'yon, or 'yung peach 'yung kulay ng takip ng bote. Sa college bestie ko 'yan natutunan, and if you're curious about the taste—it's for you to find out! 😁

P.S. Kung acidic ka, siguro pwede naman kahit konti lang. 😅

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And going back sa kwento for today, that was also my thought to the point na, without even realizing it, I started trying to please them too because I believed I was kind.

Oh no! 😯

I observed myself, and I ended up feeling frustrated. There's a battle going on inside me that I can't even explain. (If you go back and read Chapter 2 of this blog, that's a little peek into the story of how I described myself. 😅)

But here's what I discovered in my mid-20s, and honestly, it gave me a sense of relief.

There was a time I watched a video (I forgot the exact words), but what I learned was this: what we feel is part of human nature. And as a late bloomer, I learned that the hard way. To the point that I condemned myself for what I felt—yes, I wasn't even aware that I was invalidating my own feelings.

And yes, another thing I only recently learned—to take it as a compliment and just think that maybe that's really how people see me. Kasi alam mo ba, I used to take it so seriously, kasi naiisip ko, "Hindi kaya ako mabait, kasi may nagagawa rin akong mali". (Overthinking mode: ON). I honestly thought I was going crazy! 😫 But I know, God is also working in this area of my life, little by little, to really acknowledge what I feel. (Just like I shared in Chapter 1.)

I also remembered something I heard before that I think is somehow connected—we live in a fallen world. As a Christian, I see that as part of spiritual warfare. I've also come to realize that Jesus was really exposing the baggage in my heart—things I needed to surrender and repent of before Him. 

There were even moments talaga na when I thought: "Hindi ako mabait. Walang taong mabait." 

Bakit ko ito naisip? 

Kasi if I look at it from God's perspective—wala talaga. I am a sinner in the sight of God, but because of His love for me, I was saved by His grace through faith in Jesus Christ. So no, I don't really consider myself a kind person but because of His grace, He can change me to become a kind and better person in His sight.

Na-eexperience ko talaga ito hanggang ngayon after those encounter moments with Him. 

I also remembered the past mistakes I've made—even the sins from a long, long time ago. But God helped me to surrender them and repent before Him. (Thank You, Lord! 🙌🏻)

And since late bloomer din talaga ako, my curiosity led me in different directions. Recently ko lang din na-realize na 'yung curiosity ko may negative impact din pala. Because of my mindset, dati ganito—"Ginagawa rin naman nila, I just have to be open-minded"—hindi ko namamalayan, nagkakasala na pala ako sa Lord. There was a time I used to read a book that had same-sex content.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako napunta sa ganung phase. There was a part of me saying, "Okay lang 'yan! You're just curious! There's nothing wrong with it!" I tried it because I thought, if other people can do it and handle it well, maybe I can too.

But on a serious note, that's not right in the sight of the Lord. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed during that time. And it took me around 4 to 5 months to truly be freed from that sin. I opened up to one of my closest friends, and God really helped me through it. 🥹

Naging pasaway rin talaga ako. Way back din in high school, I used to swear and curse (not the major major words 😅), both verbally and in my mind. I thought it was cool, and that I'd make more friends if I had that kind of attitude. Bad girl era (but not as bad as you thought—just my way of describing it 😅) #exaggerated. 

But even then, there was a part of me saying, "That's not right." To sum it up, mabilis rin akong maimpluwensiyahan. Alam mo rin ba itong madalas na nating naririnig? 

"Bad company corrupts good character."

Yes, it's true. It's actually a Word from the Lord too—found in 1 Corinthians 15:33. Share ko lang din :).

And marami pa akong pasaway moments that I know God corrected and rescued me from kahit gaano pa 'yon kaliit.

And I've come to realize, walang maliit o malaking kasalanan sa mata ng Diyos. 

Akalain mo 'yun?

Akalain ko rin talaga! 😫🙌🏻

That's why I reached a point where I became super careful with my words and actions. But even in that carefulness—I still failed. Then came the realization: It's not up to me to change myself through my own effort. (Yep… unaware na naman ako sa part na 'to. 🙃)

I used to think that being a Christian meant I had to live perfectly—until God allowed struggles in my life to show me otherwise.

I struggle—a lot.

I struggle—even though I already know the Lord.

I struggle—even when I read the Bible daily.

I struggle—even when I lead people in worship.

I struggle not to judge my brothers' and sisters' situations too quickly. 

I struggle with comparison.

I struggle to understand people and where they're coming from.

I struggle to strive for perfection.

I struggle to gossip.

I struggle to pray.

Being a Christian doesn't mean I don't struggle. In fact, sometimes the weight of being a good daughter, friend, or servant feels too much. But I know that in my weakness, God's strength is made perfect. It's a journey, and I don't have to do it alone.

And this is what I always pray for—that the Lord would change me and help me become a good person in His sight, and a blessing in the relationships I have. I don't just want people to see me as kind; I pray that when they do, they'll realize it was only God who made it possible.

Katulad ng sinabi ko kanina, it's only by His grace that He can change me into a kind and better person in His sight.

Woah! My random thoughts! 🤯 (Nah, I think it's the Holy Spirit working 🤯)

And if you're like me—still getting to know yourself, observing your own behaviors, and wondering if it's normal—I'd say: yes, it is! You just have to give yourself a moment to breathe. Give yourself grace. Take it easy. God is with you. And if you're in the healing process like I am, don't be afraid to embrace the stage you're in right now. Trust the One who's working behind the scenes and stays with you through the process. 😉 And if you're in a phase where you still feel confused about who you are, know this: your identity is in Christ. 😊 #AndIf ^^

When you accept Christ into your life as your personal Savior, you already belong to His family. You are His child. :) (This has a special story behind it 🤯) Hindi man agad ito mag-sink in, know that, it really takes time.

I'm still learning that in order for God to change me into the person He wants me to be, I have to let Him. And I know He will do the same for you too! :)

Natutunan ko lang din talaga ngayon na I really need to come to God as I am—maging honest sa Kanya. Kasi kahit anong pagtatago ko, He sees it all. At ako lang din ang mahihirapan, emotionally and spiritually.

Note to self: Humble myself before the Lord and be honest with Him. 

Noted ulit, self! 😳

Siguro hanggang dito muna ulit for today. And shoutout to my dear Heavenly Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit—who's with me every step of the way. I'm so thankful, because God truly encountered me in the most unexpected ways. At marami pang kwento! More kwento next time! Yaaay! ✨

At bago ako mag-Yours truly 😆

Let's speak this truth together! 😊

I am loved.

I am saved.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made by our gracious God.

He is kind.

He is great.

He is my provider.

He is my Heavenly Father.

He is all-knowing.

He is my Redeemer.

He is my Rescuer.

He is a great friend.

Our dear Savior. 😊 Yaaay! 🙌🏻

Thank you ulit sa time mo sa pagbabasa ng random moments ko! 🤗 See you uliiit!

Your little siszum in Christ,

shekiya :)

P.S Love you with the love of Jesus ^^

peace. love. joy. 

🌿

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ep. 04: Just my another random kwento ^^